Close to Heart

 A mother is not born the day a child is born. Motherhood is a continuous process which happens each and every passing minute after a child is born. I was never ready to be a mom. I always feared that i will be a bad mom, what if i am not a good mom, what if i am not able to do right by my child. I was shit scared, so i never was ready-ready. But our conservative Indian society would never had allowed me to not be a mom. And my husband too loved kids, so i finally decided to go through this journey keeping my fears aside. My pregnancy and delivery both were not a smooth journey but yet it was never grueling too like many mothers have to go through. I was blessed to have a healthy baby at the end. But did the motherhood magic wand just swept over me as soon i gave birth, No its all a lie, nothing like this happens, some moms can have more motherly instincts and maybe good with kids from day 1 but no magic happens from day 1. Motherhood is a constant battle of choosing what good and what

After battling with depression and anxiety for more than a year now, i decided to finally open up and write about it.  I had a history of child abuse, i was around 9 or 10 years old, there was not one episode or one person, but there were many. I always knew deep down in my heart that what happened was none of my mistake and i never felt ashamed because of my past. But i never talked about it also to anyone for a really long time. So overall i had a fair childhood, teenage years and sound college life. I had done fairly good in personal and professional life too. Eventually got married and had a son too. It was after my son was 2 years, i started having frequent outbursts, filled with anger most of the times and sometimes emotional. It was not that it was happening for the first time, i always had these episodes happening now and then, but i would always justify them in my mind, always find a way to put blame on someone or something. And one day when i could not blame anyone but myself

I never knew there is such a word as emotional memory until i was googling something and stumbled upon it. We have a whole set of definitions, wiki pages, scholarly articles and on going researches for same. Basically its an emotion attached to a event of past in our memory. Have you noticed that how we may not remember the granular details of the event clearly but we exactly remember how we felt that day or in that moment. Its maybe surprising for some that the same emotion can be evoked by just remembering that event with the same intensity at the time of event, you can feel same amount of love, anger, grief, pain, joy, envy or jealousy simply by remembering an event. Sometimes the emotion change over the period of time, as time goes by and you get older, you can feel reverse of the emotion, like your wedding day, the emotions that get triggered by looking at the photographs of your wedding day can be different in each decade. You may feel happy and joyous in initial decades, but aft

Amidst the #metoo movement of Bollywood, we all must have given a thought about it. Have we or not? Well let’s give it now, if we haven’t. We are hearing cases from all sections of society being sexually assaulted some or the other time in their life. Majority being women around us. Have we ever wondered the reason that the country were the women are worshiped have the highest no of assaults registered against them? And yes we not counting the ones that go un-reported. Well I have and I think it’s not education or lack of law or its enforcement. As we have many cases were we can debate that these are not the real reasons. So what does it boil down to? To me its #MINDSET. So is mind set related to education. No, certainly not. Then what? Mindset is not something we can change or incorporate into someone in a day. Its gradually built when we grow in life, seeing the things around us or that affect us, in a right or wrong way. Have we ever thought that we all teach our