My Tryst with Depression!!!

After battling with depression and anxiety for more than a year now, i decided to finally open up and write about it. 

I had a history of child abuse, i was around 9 or 10 years old, there was not one episode or one person, but there were many. I always knew deep down in my heart that what happened was none of my mistake and i never felt ashamed because of my past. But i never talked about it also to anyone for a really long time.

So overall i had a fair childhood, teenage years and sound college life. I had done fairly good in personal and professional life too. Eventually got married and had a son too. It was after my son was 2 years, i started having frequent outbursts, filled with anger most of the times and sometimes emotional. It was not that it was happening for the first time, i always had these episodes happening now and then, but i would always justify them in my mind, always find a way to put blame on someone or something.

And one day when i could not blame anyone but myself, one day when i literally had no one left to empathize with me, or you can say, "When I eventually lost my mind", that was when i decided it was more than what i could handle on my own, i just decided to seek help. I was a mess when i saw the doctor for first time. I was barely able to hold my tears. She gave me medications for 2 weeks which would simply calm me down and do nothing else. And told me to come back again.

For the initial 6 months i was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and had been given medications for same. Probably cause the doctor thought i am migrating to Canada and i am anxious about the move.

Anyway we came to Canada, and then came COVID, just after 2 weeks of our landing, the whole world went into chaos. But as life moves on, i was able to pickup the pieces and move ahead. It was after 3 months when my medication from India was over, i thought of getting my problem reviewed. I thought the doctor will tell me i am fine now and dint need any medicines now.

And to my utter surprise, after just hearing me for half hour, he diagnosed me with depression, depression with atypical symptom, it meant that i am not a constantly depressed person, my moods can lift in the light of good news. So my first reaction was maybe this is a wrong diagnosis, cause in India doctor said anxiety and here he is saying different thing. The one thing which he told me in my first session was that this is an underlying condition which has not been treated earlier. That really stuck me, i had not shared anything about my past to him yet and how could he conclude that this is something which has been there for long time. It took me few weeks to digest this news, i eventually realized he might be right, and there is no harm in continuing the sessions.

Depression is like a very helpless feeling, its like a knot in your stomach, it hurts so bad that you cannot move, all you can do is lie down in your bed.

It took me some sessions to open up, he said to write things down and comeback, and gradually i started sharing things, I always thought that my past was behind me and it cannot affect me in anyway now, that i had made peace with it long time back. But it seems i was wrong, just a simple recall of my childhood trauma, brought back flood of memories, emotions that i thought were dead or buried deep inside. It felt like a fresh wound, just by simply scratching it once, the blood started flowing out again.

I cannot emphasize the importance of mental health and acceptance towards mental health issues more than what its already there in this world . We all know about it but yet we feel so hesitant to seek help. Obviously, its not easy, unfolding your life bit by bit in front of a stranger, it really takes courage and a lot of hard work.

In one of the sessions i mentioned to my doctor that i cannot say "No" to people i love, that i have always gone an extra mile for friends and family. And it hurts when same people take things for granted. That day he said that this kind of behavior is called Altruism. 

the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.

He said some people develop Altruism as a defense mechanism for their trauma. My whole world came crashing down that day, and i suddenly realized what he said was true, i had been running from my own issues my entire life, and what i had chosen as a distraction was trying to amend others life. All these years i thought i was a helpful person, a true friend in need, while other people may say that its true, but for me it was a lie now. I was what i was cause of my childhood trauma, had that trauma been not there, i would had been a different person altogether. Who knows a selfish one maybe.

My anxiousness was growing day by day, i was getting distant from people day by day, i was not able to communicate with anyone what i was feeling and did not feel like talking to anyone. Talking to friends and family was looking like an additional task now. My doctor said its fine, do not be so hard on yourself, it all happens when we are recalling traumatic experiences. And it will take time to heal.

Anyway, i am determined to heal myself, i have started taking few small steps towards the journey of self-healing. i am not sure yet when i will reach my destination, but i have started and that more than enough for now.

I have started reading books again, this was something which was close to my heart always and i had lost interest in same over the years, but my love for books never ended, and as they say "Books are a person's true best friend."

So this book i am reading "Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope", this has given me a new perspective entirely, its really a good book and i recommend reading it to everyone.

There is a perspective in the book, it says, we all have an limited X amount of energy within our self to surpass the day, and if we spend half or more than half of that energy on being angry or on any other emotion which is not fruitful to us, then we will not be able to fulfill the day like we planned. It really true. We all need to get rid of the things in our life which consume us in wrong ways, then only we will be able to free up time and energy to do things we actually love.

But for people suffering from depression and anxiety, i would say, you should read it, but be easy on yourself. This book will bring back all the unpleasant memories of you past from your sub-conscious mind to conscious mind. It will make you remember each and every person who has done wrong by you.

But i assure, this is important, unless you recall the unpleasant memories and forgive people, you will never be able to get rid of your suffering.

I have not finished the book yet, its is so difficult to finish more than a chapter at a time and to pickup the book again takes a lot of courage and determination.  But will do it for sure.

P.S: this post has gone too long, and i am not finished, will write another one soon :)